8 To acquire wisdom is to love yourself;
– Proverbs 19:8a NLT
I live my life always “wanting to know more and in greater depth than is considered “good” for” me. Often I find I have more questions than answers, I am curious to a fault and I expect people to identify the source of their information or the process by which they learned the information.
You can imagine how this lovely characteristic could become real annoying, real fast. And tbh (that’s ‘to be honest’ for those not in the know or not around middle schoolers lol) it gets on my nerves sometimes that I am this way. But for real, it was this questioning tendency that got me through my faith crisis.
When I decided to not believe homosexuality was a sin, that required me to ask questions. Because somewhere inside I knew it was the questions that would lead me to a new way of thinking, believing, living and loving. Not to mention the kind of peace I had when I rested in the truth that the God I served was and is big enough to handle my questions regardless of how the church told me otherwise.
It wasn’t until I came into my own awareness of “loving women sexually and/or non-sexually” that I valued even more the questioning enterprise. Because while seeking knowledge, wisdom and understanding for others is gratifying, there is a different kind of gravitas when I sought knowledge, wisdom and understanding for myself, about myself.
The time in my life where I had more questions than answers pushed me to define and articulate what I believed even when everything I knew up to that point was shifting sand. I mean, really, what was I going to do now that I believed God loved ALL people and wasn’t condemning anyone to hell for having sex outside of marriage and for loving the same gender. It was all a new experience in my faith walk and in my relationship with God.
I mean, think about it. Here I was a licensed minister, actively involved in a conservative/fundamentalist church wrestling with my attraction to women and not really sure whether I was on my way to hell or been turned over to a reprobate mind.
The church really does know how to inflict a deep pain without even throwing a punch.
And yet, in spite of the confusion, hurt, isolation and fear, I kept asking questions. And eventually it became clear to me that the more I allowed myself to learn and grow, the more I loved God and self.
When we move in the direction of knowing God more, we come to know ourselves more; when we seek wisdom, we seek a radical self-love that is dynamic and life changing. When we experience that kind of self-love we want the same for others. When this happens we enjoy a well deserved pit stop on the journey to wholeness.
Will you seek God through your questions? Will you be open to finding yourself in the answers? Will you seek to learn and grow? Will you love yourself more? Will you journey to wholeness? Will you be whole?