Trusting God In Me

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Prov. 3:5-6

Trusting God is the scariest I have ever done.  I’m not talking about trusting God to pay a bill or keep me safe.  I mean believing God to be present and active in my life as my sexual activity and identity unfolded.  My journey to wholeness has been littered with instances where all I could do was trust the God in me to lead and direct me in this thing called life.

The funny thing about trust is that we are often taught explicitly and implicitly that trusting is an external exercise.  That the process is more about how much we believe in the ability, effectiveness and reliability of God, and others like our spouse, significant other, best friend or work colleague.  Far less often are we encouraged or shown how to trust God in us; how to look within.  How to believe in ourselves and especially how to incorporate trusting that who God created us to be as women with all of our sensuality and sexuality is part of acknowledging God working in our lives.  So often the church teaches us to look outside of ourselves to the constructed God of society and not the intimate God of our personal relationship.

It has been in the darkest moments of my wholeness journey that trusting the God in me has been more comforting.  It was when I looked inside and leaned on my relationship with the Lord that I came to new levels of awareness and acceptance my sexuality – identity, activity and expression.

At the same time, trusting the God in me quieted the loud booming voices of church, society and the negative voices in my head.  It pushed me to pay attention to the inward working of God in my life.

No matter how hard it was for me to trust that God still loved me even as an abuse survivor or that I was forgiven for having an abortion.  Even that God’s grace was sufficient when I had had sex outside of marriage or when I made the conscious decision to be casually active. Or, of all things, that God still accepted me even though I loved a woman.

Throughout my journey I have had to trust.  And while trusting myself and the God in me is hard work, I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey.

Will you trust the Lord?  Will you trust who God has created you to be?  Will you allow the Lord to direct every aspect of your wholeness journey?  Will you be whole?